LOVE OR ADDICITION: When the feelings are harmful?
You spend the whole day with the partner and feel like you in heaven. But the next day he (she) does not respond to your calls - and you’re covering anxiety, anger, and frustration. Is it love or addiction? Check yourself, with advises from family therapist Darlene Lancer.
Development of emotional dependence resembles falling into a black hole: it seems to you that are all right that your life is remained the same, but you do not notice the moment when everything changes. Your life is filled with anxiety, irritation, and painful fantasies. Your world is distorted, and the interests of the lover are in the center. If your partner is prone with manipulation and psychological vampirism that means such relationships can lead to a catastrophe.
It feels that you cannot live without him (her)
Addiction - is the need for someone who, we believe, will be able to fill the void in our lives. When you feel that you are alone and can rely only on yourself, someone will come and stretch your saving rope - someone who will listen to you, to help, to whom you can trust completely. But love is does not necessary. Healthy mutual feeling is only possible between the self-sufficient people. The man, prone to addiction, does not have a clear identity and personal boundaries: "Me is I"Instead, he thinks: "I do not know who I am."His identity is entangled with the personalities of those with whom he associates. As a result, such a person becomes obsessed with his subject as he feels immense love. This behavior fuels the illusion. "The closer I am to you, the more my identity" Firmly tying its "I" to the person of another, dependent man loses his freedom of will and ability to exist separately. You want him (her) all at once we think that our interest in the object should embody all of what we expect from him. We take on him the whole weight of our notions of the ideal. It can be mutually exclusive demands: for example, it is important that we understand the other perfectly and respected our wishes, but it could take for us all the important decisions. Sooner or later, this installation will lead to frustration and a desire to "correct" a reality.
You want her (him) to belong to you
In any healthy relationship it is always a period of idealization. But when it passes, the love remains (if it is love). As the relationship develops, trust between partners grows, they become closer. Instead of trying to remake partner, if something does not satisfy our ideas about it, we accept it. Healthy and dependent relations are developing in different directions. In dependent relationships, we believe that major work will make "magic", "chemistry". In healthy we are constantly working, study and learn the partner. And our love grows, overcoming trials. Dependent relationships are often imbued with zeal. It arises from the uncertainty and sometimes reaches the size of clinical paranoia. Addicted person thoroughly examines lover page in social networks, analyzes every word and glance. It might even hold him under surveillance and this despite the fact that he may not even be aware of this and not be considered a serious relationship. True intimacy involves quiet confidence. Of course, even good relationships are not free from doubt. But trusting people first believe and then suspects. He calmly accepts the fact that his partner is in contact with many different people, among which there are also very attractive personality. If you need undivided control of the beloved - this is a sign that you are in a relationship and are afraid to break it. You would think that there is a mysterious connection between you.